I hear the voice inside of my head. It says 'Your day is planned. You are going to have an amazing workout. You will be afraid that you will struggle. You will struggle. You will feel that everyone is watching you. You will think that you are the only one that finds each step, each jump, each push, too hard. You will get through it. You will achieve what you set out to. You will feel strong when you are done. You are making yourself more healthy. You can do it. You will do it.'
Then I get out of bed.
I head to my workout, with different thoughts and voices in my head. I am not crazy. I am not hearing voices that shouldn't be there. I am hearing the voices that I have grown accustomed to for so long.
These voices are sometimes my cheerleaders. These voices are sometimes my worst enemies.
I recognize that these voices almost only come out when I am struggling when it comes to physically challenging myself.
As I drive, I think about how I long for the day that I could stay in my pj's until 10. Sipping hot chocolate or tea. Watching Sunday morning junk TV. Planning the day - but not planning it too fast.
As I drive, I remind myself that this is only week 7. That those days are not gone. I remind myself of how fortunate I am that I am in a place that I have the option to do this - but at this time - I am making it a priority.
I arrive to the studio. I no longer have butterflies.
I tell myself that I am here - that I will make this workout worthwhile.
I run. I run hills. I breathe heavy. I catch my breath. I run again. I run fast. I climb stairs. I struggle. I laugh. I wince. And then I run again.
I celebrate the day. I celebrate my fellow friends and their accomplishments.
I go home. I feel the pain and exhaustion from battling with my body. I am home in time to have breakfast, walk my pups, read a magazine and plan a full day. Home in time to realize that it was all worth it.
And as I get up off the couch, or come upstairs - my body aches. The aches are reminders of a hard day - but remind me that this is all a journey. And although some days may be painful - they won't all be like this. And although there may be days that I am not confident in my abilities, and that there will be struggles - I just have to tell myself that I am doing this. I can do this. And I will do this.